> an occasion for the ageless

Above: untreated scaly skin as it begins to fossilize (pre-Saurism)

>> an occasion for the ageless <<

Due to renewed interest in reading, online studies, audiobooks, and other traditional methods of learning, a provocative return to the classic forms of studying history, science, social behavior, and core studies has become the new norm. Time travel (Jumping) has lost its edge as a popular recreational and educational pastime. Even the rich and famous, who popularized Jumping and advanced its popularity, all too soon after researchers developed and perfected the technology.

Historically, it was immediately after the “warping” process was developed that Time Jumping received full government endorsement from the FTC and NIH, and obtained full patent and trademark clearance to advance to the public market. After a few safety measures and rules were administered for military concerns, the age of commercial Time Jumping was born, and a whole new future became reality (technically, time travel is possible only to the past).

Then, suddenly, due to unforeseen complications, unpleasant side effects, and unanticipated dangers, such as memory slippage (the unintentional integrating or overlapping of past and present thoughts and memories). Such annoyances could create temporary or long-term psychotic delusions, which often required months of therapy or occasional trepanation.

Skipping through the ages eventually decreased in popularity, its trendiness succumbing to these perceived dangers coming to light. These days, only the most desperate of the fashionable and the most hardcore of thrill seekers continue to Jump, and then only from underground or renegade jump stations. Now, jumping is not possible at all.

Interest in time travel ended last Saturday, July 5, 2025, when an unexpected singularity expressed itself during a quasar explosion in the Andromeda Galaxy, 2.8 light years from Earth. The event permanently distorted the quasar’s reliable pulse sequence and inserted an anomaly in the waves of the space continuum for an estimated 15 light years spanning from the epicenter of the explosion.

All registered time jumpers, including documented and non-documented jumpers, known or thought to be at jump destinations at that moment, are currently and permanently stranded at their chosen moment in history. Jumpers in transit when the anomaly expressed itself: those individuals are gone, left behind, forever trapped en route towards the locations they were jumping to. Regrettably, there are six (6) registered jumpers, and twenty or so incidental maintenance workers who were, or thought to be, in transit on July 6. They are currently considered deceased, or forever lost without time. We apologize for any inconvenience.

Now is your opportunity to upgrade, that is to accept this offer and exchange your obsolete Times-Sharing Membership for a brand new, entirely updated membership with The International Society of Pre-Fossilized Dinosaur Society (I.S.P.F.D.S.). Your pre-approved Senior Level Membership includes your own embossed Pond’s Post Longevity Card and a permanent prescription for Ponds Extra Deep Skincare, the miracle saulve which will keep your skin eternally smooth, healthy, and subtle [sorry, disregard subtle, that is a typo, it should actually read supple]. Ponds Extra Deep Skincare is renowned for its ability to prevent dry scaly skin, which is the first symptom of Saurism and the precursor to Fossilization. (read more)

We urge you and all other Jump Club Members to voluntarily transfer from that organization to and enlist to I.S.P.F.D.P. Check your email now for the six-digit passport code, enter it into the spaces below, and your free Post Longevity Card will instantly be on it’s way to you private mail or post office box. Soon you too will benefit from, use, and enjoy indefinitely! It’s the next best thing to eternal life.

For best results: spread liberal quantities of Pond’s Cream evenly over your entire body, at least twice a day, allow its white protective sheen to cover and shield the entire epidermis. Seniors, or anyone using our fine product and still desiring prolonged intimacy, should use extra care not to apply Ponds Extra Deep Skincare on the genitalia. These areas may not function to the desired levels as before. Ponds recommends the proper application of a Condom during such activities. This has been shown to reduce side effects in such instances.

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-dp-

7-11-25

(30) 680 (/173-,4D)